The word "change" is clearly a word that has a whole range of meanings, and differs based on the context or even on the personality of the person who uses it. It can be good, bad, or somewhere in between. It's a very applicable word for slogans, protests, homeless people, political campaigns, or even for proposed invasions of sovereign nations. For me, it is less a word I use rather than something that has defined me of late. In the past four or five years, I've had a nearly continuous succession of 'big' changes where either voluntarily or involuntarily the status quo needed to, well, change.
After heading into the Peace Corps roughly 12 months ago, I thought that this pattern might deviate, since typically volunteers spend most of their service, aside from pre-service training, in the same location. But recently I made the decision to make yet another change. On Saturday, I will be moving from my site Obleshevo to the nearby city of Kocani to work full-time with a youth-focused NGO. My reason was simple: I did not want to look back on my Peace Corps service a year from now and wonder why I didn't do enough to make things better. I came to the realization that the only meaningful or potentially meaningful work I had was in a town 10 kilometers away from me. I was spending a few days a week commuting on my bike from Obleshevo, trying to find something, at the least some type of organization that was interested in working with me to offset the days I spent wasting my time and motivation simply 'checking in' at a place that probably at best looked at me as some sort of shiny (or skinny) American hood ornament. I don't think I will ever truly understand why my previous work site wanted a Peace Corps volunteer.
As I spent more and more time in Kocani, and steadily less in Obleshevo, eventually it became increasingly obvious to me that I had to make a big change, but in doing so it would affect more than just my own situation. I had tell my host family in Obleshevo that I am moving Kocani, and it was probably the toughest thing I've had to do since I came to Macedonia a year ago. I was so worried that they would think I'm leaving because I'm not happy with living with them or some other reason. I worried about their financial situation and how my departure would affect that. Thankfully, they were very understanding, since they understand the challenges I've faced with respect to my work situation. I could not have asked for a better host family during my stay in Obleshevo. I'll never forget their generosity and some of the great experiences we've had together, and I plan to stop by from time to time, for a coffee or, more likely, rakija with some meze.
But now I go back to my personal experience with change. In a way, here I am again, crumpling up the piece of paper and starting over. On the other hand, I can make the argument to myself that I'm building on what I've already started, cultivating the friends and connections I've made over the past few months, and finally becoming part of the community in Kocani. I don't think I 'wasted' my time in Obleshevo. I feel like I did what I could given the situation and given who I am as a person. Maybe I could have been more persistent on some things, or held back my personal feelings and tried harder to work with people who clearly had no interest in working with me. Maybe I should have gone 'na gosti' more in my community, learned a few more things, and maybe a future project could have emerged. Maybe I should have gone out to the fields more with my host family, and made more of an effort to learn about farming techniques and crop cultivation. Maybe I should have embraced the fact that the only 'need' I could find in the community that I could help with was adult English class, and maybe I should have turned that into my main occupation as a volunteer. There are a lot of maybes. But I left them unfulfilled, because they don't fit who I am as a person, my current and future career interests, and they are not what I wanted to get out of this 27 month experience. So instead, I made a change. It won't be perfect. I expect bumps along the road, frustrations, and plenty of challenges. But nevertheless, making this change gives me the best possible chance to look back in September 2013 and have no regrets.
After heading into the Peace Corps roughly 12 months ago, I thought that this pattern might deviate, since typically volunteers spend most of their service, aside from pre-service training, in the same location. But recently I made the decision to make yet another change. On Saturday, I will be moving from my site Obleshevo to the nearby city of Kocani to work full-time with a youth-focused NGO. My reason was simple: I did not want to look back on my Peace Corps service a year from now and wonder why I didn't do enough to make things better. I came to the realization that the only meaningful or potentially meaningful work I had was in a town 10 kilometers away from me. I was spending a few days a week commuting on my bike from Obleshevo, trying to find something, at the least some type of organization that was interested in working with me to offset the days I spent wasting my time and motivation simply 'checking in' at a place that probably at best looked at me as some sort of shiny (or skinny) American hood ornament. I don't think I will ever truly understand why my previous work site wanted a Peace Corps volunteer.
As I spent more and more time in Kocani, and steadily less in Obleshevo, eventually it became increasingly obvious to me that I had to make a big change, but in doing so it would affect more than just my own situation. I had tell my host family in Obleshevo that I am moving Kocani, and it was probably the toughest thing I've had to do since I came to Macedonia a year ago. I was so worried that they would think I'm leaving because I'm not happy with living with them or some other reason. I worried about their financial situation and how my departure would affect that. Thankfully, they were very understanding, since they understand the challenges I've faced with respect to my work situation. I could not have asked for a better host family during my stay in Obleshevo. I'll never forget their generosity and some of the great experiences we've had together, and I plan to stop by from time to time, for a coffee or, more likely, rakija with some meze.
But now I go back to my personal experience with change. In a way, here I am again, crumpling up the piece of paper and starting over. On the other hand, I can make the argument to myself that I'm building on what I've already started, cultivating the friends and connections I've made over the past few months, and finally becoming part of the community in Kocani. I don't think I 'wasted' my time in Obleshevo. I feel like I did what I could given the situation and given who I am as a person. Maybe I could have been more persistent on some things, or held back my personal feelings and tried harder to work with people who clearly had no interest in working with me. Maybe I should have gone 'na gosti' more in my community, learned a few more things, and maybe a future project could have emerged. Maybe I should have gone out to the fields more with my host family, and made more of an effort to learn about farming techniques and crop cultivation. Maybe I should have embraced the fact that the only 'need' I could find in the community that I could help with was adult English class, and maybe I should have turned that into my main occupation as a volunteer. There are a lot of maybes. But I left them unfulfilled, because they don't fit who I am as a person, my current and future career interests, and they are not what I wanted to get out of this 27 month experience. So instead, I made a change. It won't be perfect. I expect bumps along the road, frustrations, and plenty of challenges. But nevertheless, making this change gives me the best possible chance to look back in September 2013 and have no regrets.
Yea!!!! Go Kocani!!!!!!
ReplyDelete